The truth has been one of the most empowering realizations of my 30 years on this earth. It is not always pleasant but worth it beyond words. I’m coming to find most people ask for the truth but rarely ever want it.
I decided to truly be honest with everyone I encounter. It is strange sometimes, the look I get in return. I’m never rude, frank but not rude. I get confused by people’s rebuttal to the truth, even things I’ve seen with my own eyes or heard with my own ears. I had never really noticed this till I quit playing the pretend game myself.
Sometimes I feel as if the more I dig into myself, life, human behavior the further I become from the rest of the world.
It’s strange how we progress and grow as people but forget our mistakes are part of us. I used to weigh myself down so heavenly with them, no matter how much they were no longer who I am. I realize now that the darkest times in my life are some of the most valuable times in my life. They have molded me into the person I am today.
I’ve been divorced for five years and through dealing with past emotions, the effects of a 9 year extremely abusive marriage, grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have I self medicated with alcohol. It not only drove me into the darkest depression I’ve ever experience, it hurt the people around me that I love. I did and said things I logically can not understand let alone explain the “why” to someone. I make no excuses for my actions, there are none.
Moving forward and out of that darkness has been the most amazing blessing, gained through the knowledge from the pain I endured. As amazing as that is for me it has left wounds on the people I had hurt during that time. No “I’m sorry” can undo the pain that I had caused, regardless of the depth of my apology.
Days pass and I continue to grow/learn through everyday. No matter how far away I am from the darkness I am treated as if there is a shadow covering me. I can’t out shine the mistakes I had made inside their view of me. When does being compassionate to the fact that I caused this pain cross over to being punished? I’m human, I fall short but we all do or have. When do the people holding me in the shadow if mistakes I can’t undo have to be removed? I know it takes time to heal and I am compassionate to that fact.
I guess it is hard because in my life I view the dark times as the reason for my depth as a person. Not reasons to beat myself up for them.
“My wish for every one of you is that you find a way to let go of all the armor and costumes that seem to cover who we really are.” Me
I truly mean that with every ounce of my being. Life is this beautiful mess of a masterpiece yet most of us never pick up the brush to their own life. I always found it so troubling and sad when you speak to the elderly or someone with a terminal illness. They all seem to be fighting past regrets of wish I would have, I wish I wouldn’t have done, I wish I could (fill in the blank).
This site is my reach out to you. I’ll be posting my own personal stories of my yesterdays. I hope you find the comfort to reach out if you are ever going through something and would like my perspective or just someone you know will always be there in a completely nonjudgmental way please do.