“It wouldn’t be so bright if there wasn’t a shadow every once in a while.”

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It’s strange how we progress and grow as people but forget our mistakes are part of us. I used to weigh myself down so heavenly with them, no matter how much they were no longer who I am. I realize now that the darkest times in my life are some of the most valuable times in my life. They have molded me into the person I am today.

I’ve been divorced for five years and through dealing with past emotions, the effects of a 9 year extremely abusive marriage, grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have I self medicated with alcohol. It not only drove me into the darkest depression I’ve ever experience, it hurt the people around me that I love. I did and said things I logically can not understand let alone explain the “why” to someone. I make no excuses for my actions, there are none.

Moving forward and out of that darkness has been the most amazing blessing, gained through the knowledge from the pain I endured. As amazing as that is for me it has left wounds on the people I had hurt during that time. No “I’m sorry” can undo the pain that I had caused, regardless of the depth of my apology.

Days pass and I continue to grow/learn through everyday. No matter how far away I am from the darkness I am treated as if there is a shadow covering me. I can’t out shine the mistakes I had made inside their view of me. When does being compassionate to the fact that I caused this pain cross over to being punished? I’m human, I fall short but we all do or have. When do the people holding me in the shadow if mistakes I can’t undo have to be removed? I know it takes time to heal and I am compassionate to that fact.

I guess it is hard because in my life I view the dark times as the reason for my depth as a person. Not reasons to beat myself up for them.

Love,

Dear Yesterday, Goodbye

Published by Kindly Honest

Be you. Be random. Life is in the learning. Question everything. Embrace your Mortality. Be kind but honest. Practice silence. We all end.

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