It’s strange how we progress and grow as people but forget our mistakes are part of us. I used to weigh myself down so heavenly with them, no matter how much they were no longer who I am. I realize now that the darkest times in my life are some of the most valuable times in my life. They have molded me into the person I am today.
I’ve been divorced for five years and through dealing with past emotions, the effects of a 9 year extremely abusive marriage, grieving the loss of the life I thought I would have I self medicated with alcohol. It not only drove me into the darkest depression I’ve ever experience, it hurt the people around me that I love. I did and said things I logically can not understand let alone explain the “why” to someone. I make no excuses for my actions, there are none.
Moving forward and out of that darkness has been the most amazing blessing, gained through the knowledge from the pain I endured. As amazing as that is for me it has left wounds on the people I had hurt during that time. No “I’m sorry” can undo the pain that I had caused, regardless of the depth of my apology.
Days pass and I continue to grow/learn through everyday. No matter how far away I am from the darkness I am treated as if there is a shadow covering me. I can’t out shine the mistakes I had made inside their view of me. When does being compassionate to the fact that I caused this pain cross over to being punished? I’m human, I fall short but we all do or have. When do the people holding me in the shadow if mistakes I can’t undo have to be removed? I know it takes time to heal and I am compassionate to that fact.
I guess it is hard because in my life I view the dark times as the reason for my depth as a person. Not reasons to beat myself up for them.
Dear Yesterday, Goodbye